Sinnerman Iconoclast: Against the World in the Palm of My Hands.

Shaded by the trees, calling out to the wind,
I am lying face down crying

I saw a version of myself I did not even
recognize

On this guitar I am playing the melody of
someone who has passed on

A star falls in the grief of someone who will
never be seen again

Please do not go, no matter how much you
scream

All it will do is quietly stir these orange
petals

Saved on my soft brow

I send the memories in my palm far away

An eternal farewell as I keep strumming

The heart of a child clinging to a gentle hand

The blazing wheels cast it off and continue on

On this guitar I am playing the grief of
someone who has passed on

The strings in my heart being plucked at
violently

In the pure white unstained by sorrow

The orange petals stirred in a summer shadow

Even if my soft brow is lost

I will cross over the far off, red-stained
sand

The rhythm of farewell

Branded into my memories, on the ever turning
earth

There is something sprouting in remembrance

Sending off the dawn’s carriage

Those orange petals are stirring somewhere
even now

The peaceful daybreak I once saw

Until it is placed in my hands once more

Please do not let the light go out

The wheels are turning

Beneath a veil so cold

You deeply sleep, all alone

The melody of prayer on the lonely fields

A little light shined

I watched as you dreamed

You laughed like a child

So dear, and yet so far

That is the promise of our future

That one day, on a green morning,

One day, we will make it there

Because in this wintered sky

We still believe

Fields of Hope

On the day we were born, we were embraced

And now we search for those gentle hands again

The melody of prayer one vanishes

And all begins again a powerless, painful continuation

One day, to that green morning,

We’ll cross through all these nights

Because that is the place each one of us searches for

Now, within my own heart

I want to keep you warm

So dear, and yet so far

In the name of peace

Fields of Hope

I.) New Resolve, Fall of Freedom

I always wished to be with you
To be of service, to be be your heart
And maybe one day you could share the same with me
But such are dreams, are they not?

I understand everything now
You do not wish for me even to be a bit closer to you
I agree, totally
A mortal can never touch a goddess

Yet, I know that for my necessity
I desire to be always by you
No matter what it may be
Therefore, I have come into a conclusion

These passionate emotions
Such vivid and lucid feelings, I deem them worthless
All idealisms of hope and optimism are only myths
If you cannot accept my world, then I shall accept yours

The kind of loyalty and devotion to you
Is not something I will no longer find in inspiration
But in the sense of duty that goes above freedom
And that will go beyond morality

From this moment, I am no longer your lover or a friend
I shall take the place as your aide, your retainer
For if losing you is caused by the sways of my heart
Then my heart can just burn in hell

I grew my hair as a sign of freedom
And for the reason that I had no one
But I lost more of an inch of their edges
Because I found someone to be chained to serve

It does not really matter anymore
How much a change it shall be
If I have to destroy and burn my aesthetic pieces
Just to be with you I would seal them from reality

My only desire is to be always with you
I would sacrifice anything to be by your prescence
Even if I have to force my soul to change
And give up my idealistic dreams

I want to guard you, protect you
I do not know the reason why
But I have fought hard and trained
To become an Angel of Death

I do not know this desire
It is a strange and mysterious want
But I also find it much of a need
That need to be with you

Not being with you makes me feel worthless
A man without a purpose and reason
I want to know that I am alive
And I find that strange reason with you

There is nothing passionate
But a surreal force that grips me
The pain of not being with you
Has become worse than fighting for my beliefs

Away from you
I am plagued by the haunting loneliness
And the grief of not having a purpose
You are important to me

With you, I can find peace
Though it is an empty space without colour
There is no needless pains of the heart
I can do the duty done

Do not underestimate me
For I am stronger, wiser than you think
For in me is the cleverness of a fox
And the ruthlessness of a wolf

The light that now scatters in vain
Trying to awaken you
The light that scattered in vain
Shall return to the place of sorrow

Give me this resolve
That I may serve you
Slave or serf, soldier or minister
My fate is now yours to hold

II.) First Resolve, Nostalgic Tears of Suffering

On the death of my friend
In whom her twin sister too was close to me
I promised on her last bed
That I would be free in a happy life then on

The next chance meeting with my first love
The goddess of hope
She wished for me to let go of my past and present hurts
I swore to diminish my the reasons of my sorrows

To my poetic cousin of letters
Encouraged me to write onwards
As my pen and sword strike the lyircs
I vowed to protect my own identity and freedom

But what are they now?
When I feel torn apart between two worlds
When neither seem very chastising
I must search for the better ground

In between a bridge of no return
Where must I go?
Who must I choose?
That I may find my desire

I am torn between devotion and valor
Between the goddess of hope and the goddess of fortune
Between the dreams of idealism and the truth of reality
Then, the fateful days came

The goddess of fortune, displeased by my heart
And the hopes that dwell within
For in dreams are but hallucinations, false illuminations
That in truth lies a cruelty to be

Then lost I was in a sea of chaos
The line of my sanity drew thin
For in hopes I thought that she would love the colours
But in the end, she despises the emotion

So shattered I was by the deafening words
They rang my ears to a split
As if it were not enough, then my sleep was hurt
For in a week straight my eyes barely shut

Sooner enough, I began to lose
The colour within my soul
My smile I lost to the wake of another sorrow
As worse as the lost of my first love

As time grew, so the wounds that she gave
Yet I still do not regret them
And as the more painful they grew, the more cold I became
The torment that is killing my emotions

And in due time I forgot how it felt
To compassion, to kindness, to love
For in a week’s score I have found something else
Apathy, coldness and relent

Out of the swarm of inner blizzard within
I have finally found my first regret
That in an act of honesty and sincerity
I gave the goddess my all, my heart, my soul

The second blow was the final knell
It sealed my emotions to their hell
That in a tournament of blades and swords
A woman warrior played her spell

She always found me interesting and appealing
And in the past she attempted infidelity
But then I was committed to the goddess alone
I forgave her but bid her farewell

Then again she came more seductive at best
Her deceit clouded by charm
Alone together we pleasantly chat
Until she found the moment

In second she threw off her battle garments
And her naked beauty I witnessed
To her shock that was not at all surprised
Nor did I move to take her to bed

For in truth I still loved the goddess
Forgave again I did
For in her youth she does not understand the feel
Of what it means to love

I gave her the truth I lost all emotion
Sensation, passion, even lust
Though her beauty was truly much appealing
The coldness of my soul triumphed

In raw frustration she gave birth to hate
In the last showdown we faced
The sun was near setting, I had no time to lose
The battle was all I was thinking

But in a blink my soul sensed her hatred
Strong as it were to mine
For her hatred was uncontrollable
For hers was against me, and so was mine

I felt a strange, lingering sensation
A mix feeling of excitement and madness
As my spirit touched the prescence of her hatred
I now seek blood

In blind rage, she caught my attention
How hatred goes against emptiness
For in she dove with fiercesome power
That in due time I bled in the face

But enough with fun and games, I had a battle to win
In careful cunning I watched
As she dove again with all her malice
In one slice, I knocked her unconscious

Poor girl, poor thing
Animals only see their prey
But they will never know to catch them correctly
Pitiful, pitiful

No longer exists of warm sympathies
Just a frozen shadow of empathy
Once free flowing feelings around
No longer are they to touch another soul

For what purpose is there?
Of both grief and joy?
Nonsense emotional pieces
That can only be hindrances to duty

I resign to open the treasure chest of the heart
Unless the goddess has a change of spirit
But I know she will always be cynical and skeptical
Thus the lacquered cask be sealed

For the path to peace, though violent and torn
Needs a sacrifice to fulfill the wish of desire
If it were to sell my soul to the goddess
Then let her not pay, for it is free

What would happen now?
If my fingers of kindness reached their conclusion
Would she still be willing?
To trust me alone?

Why is it that when we touch for peace?
We only end up hurting ourselves?
If these uneasy feelings are the only truth is our lives
Then why do we still strive for our crumbling dreams?

I lost the first resolve
I am no longer the Saint
Forgive me those of the fallen and the past
I am now the Angel of Death, for the goddess of fortune

What does it mean?
When the whole world is wretched
Yet, I find the goddess of my dreams
But she finds me wretched?

How is it so?
When life is ever cruel
I find a goddess to find comfort
Though she is cruel to me?

Why does it seem?
That society slanders and mocks my existence
There is a goddess in whom I find myself
Yet she, herself doubts my existence?

When does it end?
The painful tortures both subtle and strong
I embrace the goddess in wish for comfort
But in decorative wrap a gift of despair?

Where do I find?
When this world is ruled by the cynic soul and a skeptical mind
There, a goddess inspires the dreams of idealism
Although she helps shatter the crystal mirrors of hope?

No matter how difficult
Or how meaningless or worthless ones attempts may be
The same way it may be to my life
There is still hope to cling to

For every moment pass
Of pain and of pleasure
The most important matter to me
Not give up on the goddess who is worth being worthless

Pass the crossroads of time

When past will never come back

I shed bloody tears

How do I feel?

Another dedication to my two companions

Grief and loneliness, my all knowing friends

And to love, who always had my heart

Taken me to the still pards

Pass the taverns of hedonism

And the altars of wisdom

Have they not shown me enough?

Of murderous motivations and shaded intents?

So beyond my doubts, escape is impossible

Of love, of love for heaven’s sake!

The unfolding of chaos once again

An inner tale, a painful portrait

Of illicit intimacy and ardent affections

How? How to love?

When your angel hides her fangs under her tender lips

Her dagger covered between her bossom

Behind her smile are but malicious motivations

And with every assuring word is shadow of a lie

Will there ever be love? A peace of heart?

What happened happened to trust and devotion?

When the heart was embraced by the faith of a lover

The way how I whispered sweet words of kindness to her

When every touch I made was out of compassion

Why do I love? In heaven’s name why?

I love because I seek for her love

Affection in the form of a living goddess

Of all the companions I have been with

Love was who I always sought for

Behind the dark tunics of alienation

I have been watching her as her face changed

From one beauty to another

Always awed, always infatuatingly inspired

Yet, driven to shame

To madness and mistake

For envy and fear, a dark alchemy

Giving in to the fruit of forbidden lust

And became a hungry lunatic

Only to suffer with torments of guilt and shame

Alone, alone, alone

To be punished by more loneliness and neglect

Nowhere to run, no hidden veils

The world seemed cruel and empty

Then to be saved by the first true face of love

The goddess of hope, setting me free

From sorrowful chains and slave bangles

The blurry vision by the painful haze, free

The first time I ever felt her face

Her skin, her eyes, her voice, her heart

She, love was perfect because of her

I the mortal and a goddess of affections

Then came the other godesses

Of courage, loyalty and sincerity

For years, we all cherished the prescence of our souls

And how merry such days were

But in one blow of the summer winds

The many of these goddesses, corrupted

By the corruption that plagues all mortals

Fear, stricken the precious goddesses

In paranaoia they abandoned me

Their shadowy ministers, skepticism and cynicism

Shut me from their prescence, never to be heard again

Again, alienated by the havoc

Nobody there but pity

How dark a world

How heartless, wild and deceitful

The blackness to deem me blind to everything

But out of the void horizon, an awesome sight

For once, a goddess appeared beside me

As another morning glow shined after many years

She is the goddess of love in reality

Sapphire wings and a blue ashter at hand

Oh, they were only the fruits of long, dormant idealism

But I swear she had them, those wonders

It has been ages since I found the beauty of love

She is mysterious indeed

Beautiful, strongly intriguing

When my soul touched hers, I felt the spirit of the world

To life, and all its tragic beauty

Life, peace, to pain and strife

She warned once

Of the fragility of my ways

And the threat of my haunted past

They still linger inside my heart

Then, the visit of one

A goddess who abandoned me

The goddess of song cursed my peace

With warning, how reality will betray me

She will be the root of my fall

Because of her, reality’s infidelity, I will shed my own blood

Out of guilt-stricken shame, a suicide at her temple

What? What? What?!

The inner suffering in me rises like a full moon tide

To  grasp my chest with more horrible slashes

My mind with torturous pangs

Why? Torture me for love?

Is it because it is my fate?

Who must I serve below the God of Heaven?

Who should listen?

Who do I give my body to?

To be of good use?

To submit my powers, talents and abilities

Split between

My spirit is torn

Forever wounded

Agonized and despair

Forever dying

A never ending flow of tears

An eternal tale of both sadness and joy

Of love I found and betrayed me

When a sacrifice is gambled by my soul

Forever to suffer

The full gift of pleasure

And the wonderful malevolence of pain

Two live with life as a blessing and a tragedy

The worst kind of immortality

Yet the most splendid living of intimations

As I please love and intimacy

To serve my purpose

To satisfy this longing

When all of me are so ephemeral

Just like the her ethereal promises

To satisfy this melancholy of my dilemmas

Because true beauty is what silences my lips